Thursday, February 19, 2009

Survival From 'The Look', A Guys Guide

This morning, Sherri had a post referring to her 'Stink eye' look. I know we all have a 'look' and so I emailed my husband regarding said look. Specifically, what goes through the male brain when they are on the receiving end of 'the look'. Jon is a smart man. He didn't come clean with what exactly goes through his mind in these moments, but instead, came up with a handy-dandy little guide for men on how to survive 'the look'.

5 Point Survival Guide for Men
by Jon W. Birky

You all know 'the Look'... those of us with mothers, daughters, wives or sisters have seen it all too often. Pity those of us that have all four.

This 'look' I speak of is one that immediately sends chills down the spine... droplets of sweat bead up on the head bone as your brain races with the intensity of a 7,400 rpm shift- frantically searching your memory banks for the error of your ways. What did I do? When did I do it? And more importantly, how can I possibly reach the level of empathy required to release this woman's eyebrow from its unnaturally elevated state before the next basketball game starts?

As a young, 'enthusiastically driven' lad, I possessed an inherent ability to invoke the aforementioned look on a regular basis. I quickly learned that the amount of groveling I would need to evoke was directly related to the specific height of said eyebrow. I specifically mention the left brow because the right brow is reserved for members of the female species. The unfortunate males who may have inadvertently witnessed the right eyebrow at full mast, are typically unable to speak of it due to the sheer horror of the event.

Please allow me to offer you the benefit of my experience in this matter. I recommend that you read this over and over until you have committed it to memory, to the point that you will react instinctively when faced with this unfortunate scenario. Do not be so foolish as to think you are immune to this, it very well could save your life.

1. Look down immediately. Never make direct eye contact. Slumping the shoulders may help as well. (depending on the heightened level of the brow, you may want to get on your knees.)

2. Beg. Grovel. Cry if you need to. Your mission in life right now is to lower the brow as quickly as possible.

3. Offer up sacrifices. Flowers, Physical evidence of your undying Love, Jewelry, etc. Again, this is entirely dependant on the level of your stupidity.

4. Admit you were/are a moron. Without exception, you must take full responsibility for the wrongs your stupidity has caused this woman.

5. Praise her existence repeatedly. Let her know that she is totally the bomb, and your life would have been absolutely meaningless without her in it.

Perhaps this was helpful to you, but let me make one suggestion. Men, you should practice #5 on a regular basis. Regardless of whether you receive 'the look' or not.

16 comments:

Beth said...

Hmmm...Jon is funny AND smart. A deadly combination...but keep givin' him that look anyway!

katdish said...

My first inclination was to send this post to my husband, but after upon further reflection I realized that I tend to be the recipiant of the stink eye more often than not. Shocking as that may seem.

Steph at The Red Clay Diaries said...

Hey Katdish! Me too! Who woulda guessed?

I need to memorize Jon's tips. Can they be put on a t-shirt?

sherri said...

Jon, you are one smart cookie!

I will pass your tips along to Big Al.

My stink eye renders him helpless.

I've got it down...Annie and I could probably co-author a "How to rule with the Stink eye" book and become millionaires. You could write the sequel for the men "How to break the curse of the stink eye" and your millions added with ours could possibly turn this nation's economy around! I think it's a sign!

The history books will declare the story:

USA saved by one humble mad lady's STINK EYE!

Diane said...

That is one smart man!

Annie K said...

Now you see why I keep him around?

Nick the Geek said...

I rely on an immunity built up over a lifetime much like Wesley developed a resistance to iocane powder. I make a point of getting the look at least once a day so my resistance doesn't wane. My wife didn't inherit the drop you in your tracks look of her mother but one of our daughters did (as you can see over at traveling pants) it is a good thing because my mother-in-law could just about kill with hers so I need to keep my immunity in top shape.

Helen said...

Sherri, what about me? Can I write a chapter about the mouth on the forehead look, and how to use it to scare grown men and small children alike. But not mommas. Mommas just say "You know, you look a lot like your daddy when you do that. Stop it! It reminds me of how much I miss him....."

sherri said...

Yes, Helen. Of course you can be one of the authors. And we will dedicate it to your Daddy. How's that!

Helen said...

Sherri, that's sweet, thanks. Maybe we could dedicate it to those who taught us the stink eye, and those who encouraged us to practice using it.....

Mare said...

I have so much to learn from you women!!

Is there an age I must reach before I can harness the power or do I need training or what?!

Annie K said...

MAre, you should perfect the eyebrow raise now so that when you need it....

Nick the Geek said...

In my experience the look cannot be taught, it is a gift. My wife tries so hard but can't even make my hair stand on end. My mother can make you stop cold and my mother-in-law can drop you dead in your tracks.

As you can see from Smarty Pants, my daughter is like a baby rattlesnake with the look. They are so dangerous because they can't hold back. She just throws it around everywhere. We take her to the mall and randoms strangers minding their own business will break out in sweats and not even know why. Young women flock to her to learn the power that she wields only to be struck down themselves. It is a frightful thing.

Annie K said...

Nick, that is truly tragic about your wife. At least your daughter has the gene.

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

Annie - great post! I especially like #5 inasmuch as it reduces the amount of #1-4 that needs to be done!

Look at that, your shameless self-promotion paid off!

Debbie Hannan said...

What a fun post! I have never mastered ' the look'... not even with my kids! such a loss...the power to render then all helpless.. I shall live vicariously through those that seem to have it down pat!! :)